Coping with the loss of a dear pet
The grief of losing a loved one is the worst pain in the world. There is not much you can do to prevent it or relieve it. There’s no rewind button you can push to take you back to a time when you could have said, “I love you” one more time. There’s no amount of chocolate or ice cream that will “make it all better.” Everyone has to just work through it in their own way in their own time.
The loss of a pet is just as devastating as the loss of a human loved one. Non-pet owning people may think it ridiculous to mourn the loss of a pet the same way that you would mourn the loss of a human. These people will never understand, and it’s best that you just avoid them, because they may try to console you in a way that will just bother you instead, because they just don’t understand. They don’t mean to be that way, they just have never experienced the depth of a love for an animal that has loved you unconditionally until his or her last breath is drawn.
There are several factors that contribute to the grief that we feel. First, those of us who really love our house pets consider them family members. We don’t have different amounts of love for different family members, depending on their sex, age, gender, or species. All are loved equally.
The fact that our pets remain our “babies” eternally, makes them almost more special than human kids. The human offspring grow up and can think and fend for themselves. Pets never get to that point, and it makes them like little defenseless children. We are their protectors, and the fact that they die on us makes us feel like we did not succeed in protecting them. We couldn’t protect them from death.
We know when we adopt a dog that our pet will not live as long as a human child would. We realize that we’ll watch them grow and enjoy their company and their personalities. Then, we’ll watch them grow feeble and know that they will die and leave us. It’s the cycle of life, but it doesn’t make it any easier to accept. Many people who lose a beloved dog will vow never to get another, as if to do so would be to somehow betray the bond that you shared with the first dog.
If it weren’t bad enough that their lives speed by so swiftly, our dogs are often taken from us prematurely, due to accidents, disease, or other causes. This makes it even harder to lose them. When we lose anyone “before their time” it makes us wonder why it had to happen to them, and to us. We feel cheated of the time that we could have shared together. We wonder if there weren’t something we could have done to prevent it. The problem is that dogs can’t tell us when they hurt or sick, or losing function.
It’s normal to grieve for an animal, and there’s no set amount of time that will make the hurt go away. Employers will normally give an employee 3 days off to mourn the death of a family member. We get no time off for the death of a pet family member, however. It is important to go through the grieving process, time off or no. There are stages that you must go through to recover, and you need to go through them, not deny your feelings, or try to distract yourself, so as not to think about it. It is important that grief be regarded as a healing process. There are seven recognized grief stages. An individual will experience each stage during their grief; however, it may not be in order and some stages may be visited more than once.
Regardless of who or what you’re grieving for the stages of grief are the same:
Shock/Disbelief
When it first hits you that your beloved pet has passed away, no matter how prepared you might have been for it, the usual reaction is shock or disbelief. Death is so permanent, it’s hard to fathom that something so dear to us will never ever be able to bring us joy again (except in our memories).
Denial
This is your mind’s inability to accept the tragic truth, and its attempt to avoid dealing with it. You tell yourself, “No, this couldn’t have happened!” This could last a fleeting moment to a couple days. If it persists much beyond that, you may want to seek counseling, because this is unhealthy. I know that when my nephew died, my sister continued to hang his Christmas stocking and constantly wore a necklace showing his picture. She just could not put it aside and get on with her life.
Sometimes I think that I miss Karli (my dog of a lifetime) way too much. I can’t bear to toss her Christmas stocking, or recycle it with another dog’s name on it, but I don’t hang it with the others at Christmas time, for Santa to fill. I have her memorialized on every wall of my house, to the point where I wonder if it’s healthy. I kept her picture on my screen saver for the longest time, until one day, it was inadvertently replaced by a random photo while doing something I won’t pretend to understand with my computer. The random photo happened to be of her brother, Wiley, who is soon to leave the world, too. I thought to myself, “Yeah, it’s time I replaced this lingering ‘ode to the lost dog’ and started paying more attention to the dogs I have left.”
Bargaining
In the Bargaining stage, the person attempts to reconcile the loss by making deals with other people, or with God. I think the bargaining stage is more prevalent in types of loss that are not so permanent as death, like “if Fluffy could just recover from distemper, I promise I’ll volunteer at the humane society every week for the rest of my life…” In the case of death, you might think to yourself, “I’d do anything to bring her back…”
Anger
As you get over the denial, anger moves right in. You may think, “How DARE fate, or the powers that be, take my darling dog away from me like this!” You may direct your anger at something or someone else. “Why wasn’t I HOME that day to be with her? I had to go to lunch with my stupid Sister-in-law!” or, “Why didn’t that idiot driver watch where he was going?” or, “How could my stupid husband have let her scoot out the door like that?” Some people throw tantrums or become hysterical. They might express their anger with violence, like putting a fist through a wall. This doesn’t sound good, but if it helps you get past the anger, don’t be embarrassed to stand outside and scream, kick dirt, rip your clothes off, or whatever. You must get past the anger. Just please don’t direct it to someone or something that is undeserving. Don’t, for example, say to your other dog, “Why couldn’t it have been YOU?” People often say and do things that they don’t mean, when they are in the throes of anger.
Guilt
When the anger is directed at yourself, it comes out in the form of guilt. You may feel that you could have done more to prevent illness, or keep your dog safe. You might feel badly because you weren’t there when the dog passed away. When my dog, Weasel, passed away during the night unexpectedly, I felt all kinds of guilt. I felt like I didn’t have a chance to say goodbye, and I felt like I should have known that there was something more serious wrong with her. At the same time, though, I was thankful to her for sparing me the agony of having to make the decision to end her life. What a gift that was.
Sadness/Depression
When you get through with denial, anger and guilt, the depression sets in. You are finally concentrating on your loss, and how sad it makes you feel. You may cry every time you think of your departed loved one, or say her name. This is the time when it is especially hard to accept the condolences from your non-pet owning friends. You’re feeling anxious, you might have a pit in the center of your stomach. You may cry inconsolably. You may not be able to go back to work or to focus on anything. This is normal. What we are really doing is feeling sorry for ourselves. We don’t really cry for the departed loved one. They’re not experiencing any trauma or pain. We cry for ourselves, really, because we will miss the presence of that dear pet, who was always there for us… until now. This would be a good time to seek the help of a support group. My friend, Joanne says that tears are the liquid healing elixir. You have to cry to get over your sadness. When a friend loses a beloved dog, I always like to send some meaningful poem about the love for our dogs, and their love for us. These poems can make you cry even when you’re not in a sad state. I send them to help the bereaved pet owner to remember the good times they had with their pet, and to have a good cry, remembering them.
If you can’t get over your sadness, you may want to seek the help of a pet loss support group. They do exist, and you might check the internet for a group that is near you. It really does help to be with others who share your pain. When my friend Denise lost her heart-dog, Hazy, it was really hard for her. I told her that she had to come up to Michigan, because no one could understand losing her dog like the fellow owner of several of her dog’s relatives (this dog was a lot like Karli, and even resembled her, and they were very closely related). She came up and we shared Karli and Hazy stories, and reminisced about the good times we had. This was very healing for the both of us.
Our DSA discussion list is also another way to share your grief with others who will truly understand and feel for your loss. Many of the people on the list will remember your dog from camp, or from you describing them on the list, and they are very sincere in telling you they understand, and will miss the pet, too. Many will share a brief story about something they remembered about your dog. It’s always nice to know your pet holds a special spot, not just in your heart, but in the hearts of others whose lives he or she has touched. Plus, there’s nothing like hearing condolences from someone you know has stood in your shoes. Most of us have lost a dear canine companion, and know the pain of that loss too well.
Acceptance
When you can finally deal with your feelings, and accept the loss, you are on your way to recovery. You may not break into tears every time you turn around and see something that reminds you of your pet. You will begin to be able to focus on the things at hand, without every thought wandering to your departed loved one. You stop dwelling on the loss, but store away all of the fond memories of your pet safely in the back of your mind. You can now call forth memories of your pet without necessarily crying each time. That’s not to say that a topic might not come up in the future that will strike a note and cause you to have a warm memory of your pet, bringing forth emotions so strong, that you cry again. You will always think fondly of your pet.
When my second “wonder dog”, Tarzan, passed away, I thought that I was pretty well over it and on with my life. I was able to talk about him, be around dog people, and see other Golden Retrievers without breaking into tears. I had accepted a judging assignment in
When you really accept the loss of your pet, and experience resolution of all of your thoughts and emotions, you can go on with your life. Your dog will live on in your heart forever. One of my friends, Jennifer Riess, from
Things you can do to help heal the pain of your loss:
Have a portrait (or ornament or other art) painted of your pet.
Plant a tree or flower garden in honor of your pet.
Purchase a memorial tree at Dog Scout Camp, dedicated to your dog.
Even if your dog has been cremated, have a special monument or memorial to your pet in the garden, like a bench or stepping stone with his or her name engraved on it.
Save and knit your dog’s fur into a lap throw or mittens, so that you can always be “next” to your beloved pet.
Write a journal, expressing your feelings in writing. Tell the story of your pet’s life, or write a letter to your pet. Write a poem or epitaph for your pet.
Make a donation to your favorite non-profit organization (like Dog Scouts), in your pet’s name.
If your dog was a Dog Scout, we have a special plaque at Dog Scout Camp, celebrating the life and commemorating the death of each Dog Scout that has passed. It’s called the “Rainbow Bridge Troop” plaque. Just email us your scout’s birth and death dates, and we will have your dog added to the plaque.
You can also have your dog’s name printed on this web site, in the memorial section.
Following are some of my favorite poems/stories to send a person after the loss of a beloved dog (get the tissues…):
I stood by your bed last night, I came to have a peep.
I could see that you were crying, You found it hard to sleep.
I whined to you softly as you brushed away a tear,
"It's me, I haven't left you, I'm well, I'm fine, I'm here."
I was close to you at breakfast, I watched you pour the tea,
You were thinking of the many times, your hands reached down to me.
I was with you at the shops today, Your arms were getting sore.
I longed to take your parcels, I wish I could do more.
I was with you at my grave today, You tend it with such care.
I want to reassure you, that I'm not lying there.
I walked with you towards the house, as you fumbled for your key.
I gently put my paw on you, I smiled and said "it's me."
You looked so very tired, and sank into a chair.
I tried so hard to let you know, that I was standing there.
It's possible for me, to be so near you everyday.
To say to you with certainty, "I never went away."
You sat there very quietly, then smiled, I think you knew ... in the
stillness of that evening, I was very close to you.
The day is over... I smile and watch you yawning
and say "goodnight, God bless, I'll see you in the morning."
And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide,
I'll rush across to greet you and we'll stand, side by side.
I have so many things to show you, there is so much for you to see.
Be patient, live your journey out ... then come home to be with me.
--Author Unknown
When Tomorrow Starts Without Me
Author Unknown
When tomorrow starts without me,
And I'm not there to see;
The sun will rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me.
I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The way you did today,
Remembering how I'd lay my head
In your lap that special way.
I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too.
But when tomorrow starts without me.
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name
And petted me with her hand.
She said my place was ready,
In Heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.
But, as I turned to heel away,
A tear fell from my eye,
For all my life I never thought
That I would have to die.
I had so much to live for,
So many sits and downs to do,
It seemed almost impossible,
That I was leaving you.
I thought about our lives together,
I know you must be sad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
And all the fun we had.
Remember how I'd nudge your hand,
And poke you with my nose?
The Frisbee I would gladly chase,
The bad guy, I'd "bark and hold".
If I could relive yesterday,
Just even for a while,
I'd wag my tail and kiss you,
Just so I could see you smile.
But, then I fully realized,
That this could never be;
For emptiness and memories
Will take the place of me.
And when I thought of treats and toys,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you and when I did,
My dog-heart filled with sorrow.
But then I walked through Heaven's gate,
And felt so much at home;
As God looked down and smiled at me,
From His beautiful golden throne.
He said, "This is eternity,
And now we welcome you,
Today your life on earth is past,
But here it starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last;
For you see, each day's the same day,
There's no longing for the past.
Now you have been so faithful,
So trusting, loyal and true;
Though there were times you did things,
You knew you shouldn't do.
But good dogs are forgiven,
And now at last you're free;
So won't you sit here by my side,
And wait right here with me?"
So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart.
For every time you think of me,
I'm right there, in your heart.
By Susan Krauser
Touch me with your voice as a puppy young and new, And let me know my presence is what is pleasing you.
Touch me with your spirit, for God sent me here to you, To teach you of that precious bond known by the choicest few.
Touch me with your hands as I grow tall and strong, I need you as my mentor through out my whole life long.
Touch me with your lips, and brush them softly on my brow, Please kiss away the fears that I am feeling now.
Touch me with your eyes as I become full grown, To validate unspoken love that we have always known.
Touch me with your heart as our bond keeps growing stronger And words need not be used in our language any longer.
Touch me with your breath, so soft and warm upon my face, As I try to bring you comfort in life's never ending race.
Touch me with your love when my muzzle turns to gray, I live my life to please you, each and every single day.
Touch me with your scent when age has dimmed my sight, To reassure me always that you will be my light.
Touch me with your face when your tears are meant for me, So I may bear your pain and let your heart be free.
Touch me with remembrance when I have traveled on, And, I will hold your heart in mine forever when I'm gone.
By Karen Clouston
You're giving me a special gift,
So sorrowfully endowed,
And through these last few cherished days,
Your courage makes me proud.
But really, love is knowing
When your best friend is in pain,
And understanding earthly acts
Will only be in vain.
So looking deep into your eyes,
Beyond, into your soul,
I see in you the magic, that will
Once more make me whole.
The strength that you possess,
Is why I look to you today,
To do this thing that must be done,
For it's the only way.
That strength is why I've followed you,
And chose you as my friend,
And why I've loved you all these years--
My partner 'til the end.
Please, understand just what this gift,
You're giving, means to me,
It gives me back the strength I've lost,
And all my dignity.
You take a stand on my behalf,
For that is what friends do.
And know that what you do is right,
For I believe it too.
So one last time,
I breathe your scent,
And through your hand I feel,
The courage that's within you,
To now grant me this appeal.
Cut the leash that holds me here,
Dear friend, and let me run,
Once more a strong and steady dog,
My pain and struggle done.
And don't despair my passing,
For I won't be far away,
Forever here, within your heart
And memory I'll stay.
I'll be there watching over you,
Your ever faithful friend,
And in your memories I'll run,
A young dog once again.
As you hold them in your arms
And say your last good-byes
Look close into the fading light
that flickers in their eyes
As the years passed, they were with you
through every joy and sorrow
Always at your side until one day you knew
there would be no more tomorrows
You sigh and think
never again will I give my heart
it hurts too much to grieve
when you have to part
But there are so many animals
that have no place to go
who are longing for someone just like you
to love and call their own
They don't live as long as humans do
this to is a part of God's plan
for animals are God's angels
to be there for you when he can't
So lay your friends to rest, lift up your hearts
dry your tears, for it is told
death is but a passage into the hands of God,
through the gates of gold
It is time to give another life
the love only you can give
we are the caretakers of God's creatures
for not to love...is not to live
--Brenda Riley-Seymore
By Dan L. Mohryecogniak
Just a piece of metal or plastic, attached to a collar or chain.
But inscribed on one side, is our pet's very own name.
Along with their address, in case they get lost.
And a phone number to call, whatever the cost.
It is there each day, when our pet climbs a tree.
Or that time of night, when they rest on our knee.
When a friend comes over, and gives a pat on their head.
They can tell who they are, though nothing is said.
There are those times, it had to be removed,
for that dreadful bath, and the many times groomed.
Of all the pictures, that we take of our pets,
You can still see this name tag, I'm willing to bet.
Through all the seasons, that our pets live and play.
This name tag is still there, hardly noticed each day.
Until the tie comes, when our pets live no more.
We gather up their toys, and the collar they wore.
Then we take one more look, at the name inscribed.
The stories this tag could tell, about our pet's life.
It was there each time, our pet was happy to see,
Each one of us return home, at the door they would be.
It was there during the moments, our pets sometimes felt bad.
Through days of sickness, and the times they were sad.
There were times it was lost, and often hard to find.
But sooner or later, they once again unite.
Some identified a mother, still nursing her young.
Another name tag awaits, for a life has begun.
From the very beginning, this name tag was made.
To be a reminder of love given, worth more than we paid.
It had only one purpose, to join with our pet.
To gather all the memories, that we will never forget.
And though we have lost, our most devoted friend.
It is now a special keepsake, to help our hearts mend.
By Ben Hur Wilson
These are the good places, in life or death. Yet it is a small matter. For if the dog be well-remembered, if sometimes she leaps through your dreams, actual as in life, eyes kindling, laughing, begging, it matters not at all where the dog sleeps. On a hill where the wind is unrebuked, and the trees are roaring, or beside a stream she knew in puppyhood, or somewhere in the flatness of a pasture land where most exhilarating cattle graze. It is all one to you, and nothing is gained and nothing lost—if memory lives. But there is one best place to bury a dog.
If you will bury him in this spot, he will come to you when you call—come to you over the grim, dim frontiers of death, and down the well-remembered path, and to your side again. And, thought you call a dozen dogs to heel, they shall not growl at her, nor resent her coming, for she belongs there. People may scoff at you, who see no lightest blade of grass bent by his footfall, who hear no whimper, people who may never really have had a dog. Smile at them, for you shall know something that is hidden from them, and which is well worth the knowing. The one best place to bury a dog is in the heart of her master.
by Andy Anderson (aka) Lab Dad
We nurture and love them and try to protect them, and they return it with love and devotion and countless precious moments and stories. And then they die. They leave us suddenly or slowly, awash in remorse, angry with ourselves, waiting for them to return, as if we have suffered the loss of a child or our best friend. We have. Our dogs are a part of our family. They are part of us. When they walk over the Rainbow Bridge, a part of us dies also. The grief can be all encompassing. We are numbed and in shock. But we cope, and stumble our way through the stages of grief. For each of us the path is different. It twists and turns, goes up and down, sometimes it backtracks, and sometimes is a long journey. Most of us come through this severe storm. For some, the sunlight has four feet, a slobbering mouth and descriptive name. Others heal in other fashions. But we heal. Acceptance is the last stop on the journey.
Grieving is part of life. There are at least four stages: guilt, denial, anger, and depression. It is through these stages our path winds. Getting through these stages is a difficult journey. We must rely upon ourselves to work through them with help from different people and resources: our vet, our family, our friends who treat their dogs as we do ours, the library system, and the Internet among many others.
There is an excellent article dealing with pet loss in the September 2001 issue of Dog Fancy Magazine by Phil Davis titled "How Do I Go On?" It contains a list of resources. It may be available at your local library or available through the publisher.
The American Animal Hospital Association has put out a pamphlet called Pet Loss and Bereavement - The Loss of Your Pet. It may be available through your vet's office. In it is a good list of what they call the normal signs of grief. According to the pamphlet "the most disturbing but normal sign of grief is a hallucination of your pet...you think you see, hear, feel or smell your pet in brief flashes." The list continues with the following normal signs of grief:
"Crying, shock, numbness, confusion, fatigue, restlessness, depression, aching, loneliness, blaming, sleep problems, irritability, eating problems, anxiety, sadness, withdrawal, anger, relief, denial, lack of focus, guilt, sighing, and meaningful dreams about your pet"
Red, my Labrador retriever got sick very suddenly. When they recommended putting him down, I was not prepared. It was a shock. It was a difficult and painful decision I had to make and live with, and it had to be made quickly. I have experienced many of the signs of grief I have listed in this writing. I have started crying while at work, while talking about some of the things Red would do. Sometimes I cannot sleep. But the most unusual experiences I have had in dealing with Red's death have been the hallucinations. Shortly after he died I called out to Wife who was in another room if she wanted to go run an errand with me. As I looked down the hallway as I was speaking, I saw Red lying where he sometimes did, nose on paws. When I said "go" he raised his head and looked me in the eye, and was gone. Several times the garage door has stopped and reversed as if a dog had finally finished doing dog things and was coming in the garage. Just like Red. Once I was sure I saw Red when this happened. Once both my wife and I heard his cough coming from the direction of "his" chair. To this day, every once in a while I feel a cold nose on my arm or leg when no dog is there. Mostly when I have been thinking of him.
There are many ways to deal with the death of your dog. Among them, celebrate their life. Paint their picture, make a scrap book or photo album celebrating their life and accomplishments, write stories and poems about them; submit photos of them to cyber shows in the Gone But Never Forgotten category.
You can also donate time or money in their name to local animal shelters, or organizations that fund medical care to help defray medical expenses of rescued dogs, or to Universities with Veterinary Medicine Research programs. You can plant trees. You can also help other people get through their loss by listening and sharing.
You can also get another dog. Your dog taught you many things about raising a dog. Your late dog may find it strange you not practice what he or she taught you. You can purchase a puppy, or rescue a dog or adopt an older dog in need of a forever home. You can be a foster a dog while they wait for their forever home. The possibilities are endless.
Grief is a very intense emotion that can be all consuming and destructive if not recognized. It is OK to cry. It is OK to see your dog, or to be depressed. It is OK not to get rid of your dog's toys, water dish, collar or leash. It is OK to experience these things. That is what grief is. It is also OK to move on. Not on a particular timetable, but one day at a time.
Some helpful websites include: www.geocites.com/Heartland/Plains/6936/yorkies/petloss/petloss.html
www.pet-loss.net/index.html This is a comprehensive site that deals with a bunch of different side issues.
This next one is "Taking the Lead" and is a very extensive UK site dealing with dog training, rescue and other stuff. This link deals with pet loss. www.behaviour-problems.freeserve.co.uk/I/grieving.htm
www.rainbowbridge.com
www.avma.org/care4pets
www.vm.iastate.edu/support
www.pet-loss.net
There are also hotlines and grief councilors. Numbers may be found by searching the Internet or by contacting your veterinarian.
Books on pet loss are available at bookstores and libraries. If your local library does not have them, your library can borrow them through inter-library loan. Titles mentioned in the Dog Fancy article include:
Coping with Sorrow on the Loss of Your Pet, Moira Anderson Allen, Alpine Publications, 1996
Coping with the Loss of a Pet: A Gentle Guide for All Who Love a Pet, Christina M. Lemieux, PhD. Wallace R Clark & Co. 1988
When Your Pet Dies: How To Cope with Your Feelings, Jamie Quakenbush and Denise Graveline, Simon & Schuster 1985 is available through the American Animal Hospital Association.
A final act of Caring: Ending the Life of an Animal Friend by Mary and Herb Montgomery
Good-Bye My Friend by Mary and Herb Montgomery
Emma Up in Heaven by Clark Chichester
A boy's dog watches over him from heaven and eventually lets him know, through dreams, when it is time for him to get a new dog.
Saying Goodbye to Lulu by Corinne Demas
Don't remember much except it is a dog who is pampered in the last days of its life.
Howard, Ellen Murphy and Kate.
Dog Murphy is Kate's best friend for her entire life, and when he dies she doesn't think she will ever love again.
Jasper's Day by Marjorie Blain Parker
Jasper has to be put down when he gets cancer and his family spends the day remembering all the good things they did with him and giving him all the love they can for his last few hours.
Dog Heaven by Cynthia Rylant
Dead dogs spend their days eating icecream bones and running through endless fields of clouds
Toby by Margaret Wild (out of print)
When Toby becomes old and ill the girl of the family rejects him because she does not want to deal with the fact that he will soon die.
I'll Always Love You by Hans Wilhelm
A boy and his dog grow up together and when the dog dies the boy refuses his offer for another pet, but he knows when he gets one he will tell it "I'll always love you" each night just like he did with his original dog.
Dogs who cross the Rainbow Bridge should be mourned for their passing, and celebrated for all they gave us freely.
Author Unknown
All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind. They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster. You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart. Then you cross
Author unknown...
